We’re drawn to certain people in a way that we can’t understand. I find different qualities in a woman more attractive to me now than I did 35 years ago. This is a Top 10 list of things that I look for in a woman. This is a list made by a guy. A good friend and fellow blogger (we’ll call her T) is working on a companion list of qualities she finds attractive in a guy. I asked her to show me hers after we’d both written ours. She is young enough and funny enough to be my daughter. So they’re independently written, on the same subject. Consensually.
First let me preface this by saying that I participate in opposite sex marriage. Those that engage in same sex relationships will probably find this way off base. You like potato and I like potahto. Different list. And I welcome your comments. Other than the first one, they are, in no particular order:
The first thing I am attracted to in a woman is her smile. I love a good smile. This dawned on me one morning when I was watching CNN Headline News. Robin Meade, Natasha Curry, Jennifer Westhoven are all very pretty women who have wonderful smiles. I don’t always agree with their political bent, but I enjoy hearing them read me the news with their beautiful smiles. Women can also smile with their eyes. So if you’re interested in meeting a man (or one like me, anyway), smile. What harm can it do?
I like a woman who is sure of herself. She doesn’t have to be the prettiest, the most successful, or president of the garden club. As long as she’s confident in what she DOES bring to the table and is happy with that, then I’m happy with her. We all have our strengths. I appreciate a woman who knows what hers are and doesn’t care what other people think. If she can dance, then dance. If she can cook, cook. Don’t try to be something you’re not. Be yourself and be the best at it.
Yes, the all-encompassing P-word. The make-or-break quality. She has a good personality and she sews her own clothes – a phrase that seems to off-balance a woman who others might find moderately unattractive. I’ve known women who are beautiful enough to make you change your favorite NFL team to the Dallas Cowboys. But then they open their mouth. She may cuss like a drunken motherflubber. She may be dumber than a box of rocks. This is definitely the “it” factor. I’ll take substance over style any day. Definitely part of the total package.
4. SHARED VALUES
What good is it to have a partner that you can’t see things the same way? No, not everything. You don’t have to agree on every single thing. That would be like dating yourself. I definitely wouldn’t want that. I don’t like me that much. What’s important to you? Do you have a check-list? I had some qualities that were non-negotiable in a dating situation. I wouldn’t date a woman who wasn’t a Christian. And not just one of those yes-I-checked-off-the-Christian-box-on-my-match.com-profile Christian. You gotta walk the walk as well as talk the talk. I also wouldn’t date a woman who smokes. Or chews tobacco. I didn’t settle for less than I deserved and I don’t think anyone should. Be flexible where you want to, but this is an area in which I would not cave. I laugh that my wife is a low-maintenance woman who thinks she’s a medium-maintenance woman.
I like trust. Gotta trust your bank. I need to trust my car to get me from point A to point B 99 44/100ths percent of the time. And I have to trust a woman. She has to trust me. Trust me enough with finances. Trust me enough to not spend $1400 on a Gibson acoustic off eBay plus shipping. (Yes, I did. But that’s another story) I have to trust a woman enough to not take her love to town. Sure, I flirt. My wife flirts. Openly and unabashedly. But it’s all in fun. All bark and no bite. We’re harmless and we know each other’s boundaries. If we need to rein each other in, we do so. But we trust each other. Trust is a must.
I want a woman who I can respect and who respects me. Sure, I have self-worth but I also like to be in the company of a woman who builds me up and recognizes my strengths. I tell my wife daily how pretty she is. And that’s not just because I want some loving. She IS pretty. Inside and out. I voice my appreciation daily for her putting up with my sorry ass. I call her my trophy wife. My arm candy.
Looks fade and sex wanes. We were all 19 at some point in our lives. I want a woman who shares some of my same interests. Some, not all. After my divorce, the ladies in my office said I could date women 10 years older and 10 years younger than me. I was fine with the size of the window, I joked, but I thought the window would be a little lower. I thought a lady I dated just needed to have graduated from high school before my oldest daughter. I realize now how important age is in a relationship. My wife is 4 ½ years my junior. Anything more than that and you cross music and pop culture that would be hard to explain. Not genres, but specific songs reference points. My wife was a disco queen at the time I was into Outlaw Country. We now enjoy the same (again, similar) taste in music, food, wine, humor, movies, and sense of adventure. If you need to, draw a Venn diagram.
You know those moments (hours, it seems?) when you’re having dinner or drinking coffee and there’s that awkward pause where neither of you have anything to say? I don’t. We don’t. I like a companion who can finish my sentences (over time, of course) and/or who is thinking the exact same thing I’m thinking. From both sides. I do that as often as she does. And then there’s just talking. Small talk, but big talk as well. Shallow and deep conversations. Problem solving conversations. Non-verbal communication.
I like a woman who is not afraid to try something new. No, I’m not talking about that. (But if you want to bring it up . . .) Keep an open mind. Be willing to step outside your comfort zone. If you don’t like it, then you don’t like it. I’ve gone skydiving. I’ve eaten sheep fries. I cry at movies. What do you do? What do you want me to try? I remember going to San Antonio on a trip with my ex-wife. I did my homework. I knew all the tourist Mexican restaurants and the dives where locals ate. I was salivating over the food we’d eat on our trip. What do I hear 30 minutes outside of town when she sees a billboard? “Oh, look. They have an Applebee’s.” That was probably the beginning of the end. She didn’t drink coffee, wine, or eat sushi. If she ordered a meal it was always going to be chicken. If she had ice cream, it was always orange sherbet. I remember telling her one time that she didn’t cook, she didn’t clean, and she didn’t f**k. This comment did not achieve the desired result. Don’t try this at home. But be adventurous. Woman up!
A sense of touch. Hugs. I may not be a hug expert, but it’s not from lack of experience. I like to get them and I like to give them. I like cuddling. I’m a spooner. These are tangible intangibles. But there’s also baggage. The Louis Vuitton factor. Let’s face it, none of us are perfect. We all have our faults, our idiosyncrasies. Some of these things that drive me nuts are also the same qualities I find endearing. If I can’t put up with these then I don’t deserve to qualify for your special factors. If I have dirt under my fingernails before we get married, I’ll have dirt under my fingernails after we get married. I also want to see how you treat my dog. And children. And old people. And how many cat videos you post. I do have my limits.
Now, I know that everybody is not looking for the same qualities in a woman. Some are happy not being in a relationship. I’m blessed to have spent the last 12 years with a loving, compassionate, trusting friend and confidante. We dated for 5 years before we both entered into our 2nd marriage. I can’t imagine being with anybody other than her. We laugh and we cry. Our life is not all roses and chocolate chip cookies. But we enjoy each other’s company; we like the same music and food; we love to laugh (at funny things and also at ourselves). And we love each other.
I think women find me attractive for 3 reasons: 1)My sense of humor; 2) the fact that I’m unavailable; and 3)the fact that I’m faithful to one woman. Maybe I missed the boat in your opinion. But then again, I have the blog. I respect your views and would welcome your comments. Remember, I already have what I believe to be the perfect mate. And you don’t necessarily give a flying flip what I want in a woman. But, hey, you read this far.
Feel free to comment on what qualities you find attractive in a woman. Caveat: boob comments will not be moderated Randy Brown.